Mismatched sex drives, also called libidos, is a problem a lot more common than you would imagine. In fact, 39% of men and 27% of women admit that they could leave a relationship if their libido didn’t match their partner’s. The issue doesn’t concern only women with low sex drives (it is a common misconception that a man pursues and a woman withdraws), as very often the male partner is the one desiring less sex. Aa sex coach, I have had dozens of couples complaining about the imbalance of desire and using the high/low desire dichotomy. Based on my vast experience, I would like to propose a couple of solutions for managing mismatched sex drives. Remember that it is always a task for both partners together and it takes an effort to understand each other’s feelings and needs.
When early passion and the dating period are over, and they inevitably end sooner or later, the expectations are set high for a lifetime of passionate sex. Once partners start living together and spend more time together than just during dates, the desires for sexual intimacy start to differ. This is where one partner becomes constantly unsatisfied and the other one feels under more and more pressure.
Managing mismatched sex drives means increasing satisfaction and releasing pressure. It means improving communication, creating an open environment where sex talk is not a taboo. It means balancing sex life to avoid resentment.
9 Tips:
How to deal with mismatched sex drives?
1. Respect, Respect, Respect
It is not the lack of sex that disappoints the higher-libido partners, but the never-ending rejection. Balancing sex drives is all about respect and understanding each other’s differences. It is about compromises and finding something that works for both.
Note that some people experience sexual desire right after working out, some have peaks early in the morning (many men, for example, experience testosterone peaks at 7-8am), while others prefer sex before sleep. There is even more to say about the levels of stress and general health condition, which affect sex drives massively. It is, therefore, not surprising that most of the couples I’ve been working with have so many troubles dealing with mismatched sex drives. My first and most important piece of advice is to recognise the differences of our bodies and respect them.
You have to acknowledge that your partner’s higher or lower libido is not necessarily connected to you as an individual, your personal qualities, attractiveness. It is more likely a physiological or psychological matter, which you should be dealing with together instead of punishing them with negativity. Don’t immediately assume that your partner is making up excuses for not having sex. Turn the facts around and say to yourself – maybe we should try it at a different time, place or in a different mood? What are the things that turn your partner on? What are the absolute necessary things that make your partner feel safe and relaxed and without which there can be no sexual mood?
2. Don’t call it duty
If you are the one suffering from pressure as you don’t want as much sex as your partner does, don’t think about intimate pleasure as a duty you must fulfil. Duty is fear-and-insecurity-driven: “If I don’t satisfy his/her sexual needs, they will leave (or satisfy them with someone else)”. Obligatory sex is the worst thing that can happen in an intimate relationship, as you stop perceiving your partner’s pleasure as something you can give to them voluntarily.
Instead of rejecting your partner’s sexual drive, consider what you can give. Giving can take many forms – provide sexual stimulation without being stimulated yourself, pleasure them with massages, back rubs, cuddling and more. This kind of intimate attention will make your partner feel less rejected and will release your guilt. It might as well happen that during such moments of intimacy you become aroused and you both proceed to a sexual intercourse, which is the best outcome of all.
3. Encourage dialogue
The first two steps – respect and changing your own perspective on sex as duty – are what you have to do on your own. Call it homework. Next comes the vital part of communication and the art of not jumping to conclusions without discussing things first.
No matter if the mismatched sex drives are a result of stress, work, lack of energy or simply physiological differences, you have to talk it through by encouraging an honest dialogue. Find out what exactly is bothering your partner without judging or pushing them into guilt. While this can be done on your own, sometimes involving a sex coach can easen things up.
Remember that dialogue is not just about encouraging your partner to share their feelings, it is also about sharing your urges and desires. Be very direct and explain exactly how you feel. In your kingdom of two, there is no space for secrets and unaccomplished fantasies. Saying explicitly what you want is often the fastest way to achieving it.
4. Work on the romantic connection
It might seem absurd in the first year of relationships, but romance is something you have to work on and devote time to. Do you compliment your partner daily? Do you kiss? Do you touch affectionately? Do you make the effort of surprising your partner? In most long-term relationships these things tend to disappear or diminish considerably.
When it comes to building up a romantic and erotic connection, it all goes down to attention. Without thinking about sex, slide your hands over your partner’s body, say words of admiration and affection. Sometimes even a passionate stare or touch can show your partner how much they mean to you. Use body language to tighten the connection, but do not go into the mood of foreplay. Remember – if your partner has been tense and reluctant to have sex, being too pushy might further annoy them. However, non-sexual romantic attention might be exactly what they need to feel loved and desired, to rediscover intimacy and to boost their sex drive.
5. Schedule sex
To schedule or not to schedule – what a frequent discussion among sex therapists! I vote for scheduling and I believe there are so many advantages of planning an intercourse.
Remember the times when you were dating. You were setting a certain time to meet, you were planning the evening, you knew you would have sex and prepared for it. Why would you ever consider it a bad thing in a long-term relationship?
Start the foreplay in the morning – touch their body affectionately, kiss them before getting out of bed. Bite their neck or earlobe if they like that. These tiny actions set the mood for the whole day. You might not see each other before evening, but that kiss and that bite will stay in their mind for the whole day, promising a very exciting evening to come.
6. Be spontaneous, too
Scheduling is a fantastic way to liven up your sex life, but it has to have merit. If you create too many rules and rigid structures, you might end up living in a cage of constraints.
Try focusing on your own arousal – watch your partner, notice the little things that attract you and arouse you. Once your partner notices a change in your mood, they might catch the vibe, too. Try out spontaneous activities like taking a shower together or start talking about new pleasures, like using sex toys together. Such approaches tend to be excellent sources of arousal for spontaneous sex, and they are the most pleasurable if they are completely unplanned.
7. Find the right words
Keep in mind that words matter just as much as actions. Calling your partner “cold”, “dispasssionate” or “obsessed” or a “sex maniac” is not doing any favors for your romantic connection. The situation is already problematic, and such emotionally rough statements can only make it worse. Have no doubts that your partner will get offended and take them too personally. Due to such statements a lot of anger occurs in relationships even though it is easily avoidable.
Instead of accusations, be supportive. Ask questions, talk about what you can improve in your own behaviour to make your partner feel better, more open to intimacy.
8. New approaches – more excitement
By the time a couple’s sex life becomes boring and the sex drives stop going hand-in-hand, the partners have most probably developed a set of rules by which they live. The rules apply to foreplay and sex, too. If you are the one pursuing your partner for sex, it is likely that you have a set of words, moves, actions that you do each time. Being frequently rejected means that this set of rules has to go to junk and there is an urgent need for experimentation.
Heat up the atmosphere in your bedroom by trying new approaches instead of doing more of the same. If you haven’t been into long foreplays, this is the time to devote time to that. If you have never embraced the kinky side of sex toys and dominance and submission, describe your wishes to your partner. Such surprises are very likely to turn on the sexy side of their imagination.
9. Be open about masturbation
When sex drives are mismatched, it often happens that you are ready to go and your partner is not. There is nothing shameful about self-pleasure. Typically, the partner with the higher sex drive embraces it frequently, but many of my clients consider it something they have to hide. It is only natural that desires have to be satisfied and sometimes it has to be done on your own. Be open about your needs to your partner. Explain that it is normal and you hope they can accept it.